When Mike and I first started our adoption journey I read and read and read probably every book at the library about adoption. While reading I noticed that there is kind of a language that is used. So here are a few of the important phrases, terms and words used in adoption that I embrace and use in my daily life.

Positive Terms:
Adoption Placement Terms (These help convey that decisions regarding adoption are carefully and lovingly made.) - "Arranging for an adoption", "making a placement plan for a child", "arranging for a transfer of parental rights", "making an adoption plan", "placing a child for adoption"
Terms Related to Parents:
"Biological Parents", "Birth Father", "Birth Mother", "Genetic parent" "First Mother" Parents of conception.

Negative Terms: (never use these)
Adoption Placement Terms (These perpetuate negative stereotypes and can damage a child's self image.) - "Put up for adoption", "adopted out", "abandoned", "give up a child"
Terms Related to Parents -
"Natural Parents" - Used often in legal settings. Not a positive term since it implies that adoptive parents are "unnatural".
"Real father or real mother" - Terms used in society to describe biological parents. Not appropriate since they imply that adoptive parents do not act as "real parents".
Terms Related to Children -
"Illegitimate child" - Literally means that a child has no father.
"Unwanted child" - No child is ever unwanted, certainly not my own.
"Is Adopted should be "was adopted" sure it's part of the childs past, but not their identidy.

Common Questions/Comments People Make About Adoption: (Imagine if your own child were standing next to you hearing an adult say these things. These comments undermine a child's place in their family and sense of security. Although most of the time they are said not meaning any guile, they are offensive.)
"Where's her 'real' mom?" "Are those her 'real' sisters?" "Does she have any 'real' siblings?" "I knew someone once who gave up her baby." "Didn't her mom want her?" "I could never give my baby up; I would love it too much." "Are you ever going to have your own kids?" (What?! Like Lilly isn't 100% "our own"!) "Which of your kids are your own?" "I knew someone once who adopted because they couldn't have their own children." "Did her 'real Mom' use drugs?" "How old was her birthmother, I bet she was really young?" (statistically 20-25 year olds are the most likely to place their child for adoption) "I bet you're glad you adopted because you got to have kids the easy way." (There's an easy way?)

So now you can speak Adoption too:) Again if there is any questions that you would like to ask me about adoption please feel free to. I may not know the answer, but I will try to find it for you.

Labels: adoption

I love November because it is National Adoption Month, but before it was celebrated for an entire month there was one day set aside, today :)

I am grateful for adoption and feel blessed to be a part of it. I love adoption!
Here is a very sweet picture of the first time I ever held Lilly. It was amazing and a moment I will never forget. Our first family picture with Lilly, this was taken at the hospital where Lilly was born.

I know that adoption is inspired and Lilly's sweet birthmother was guided by Heavenly Father to selflessly place Lilly in our arms. Take time today to say a prayer for the birthparents, adoptive parents, birthgrandparents, social workers and everyone touched by adoption. I know I am forever grateful for the prayers and thoughts sent for our family to bring Lilly home.

Labels: adoption

I got tagged! It was a week ago, but life is so busy :) I was tagged by Shanna and I love the twist she put on the tag, so fun!

Here are the rules:
1.Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share 6 nonimportant things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website. 6. Here's the twist Shanna put on the tag "Well, since it is my blog, I can change it a little, right? I've already done lots of random things about me here, so I thought I would list non-random things. In honor of National Adoption Month, I am going to list 6 things about my adoption experiences."

1. I've always loved taking pictures, but now my motivation for family pictures is a little different. I am trying to take fun pictures to include in our adoption profile, or on the blog :)
2. I love it when people comment on how cute and beautiful Lilly is and then they say she must of gotten her looks from me :) It's a great opportunity to tell them a little bit about adoption.
3. When Lilly was a tiny baby it was so fun to take her to the store and recieve comments on how good I looked after just 'having' a baby :) Talk about ego boost!
4. I've never prayed so hard or so much for something in my life until the start of our adoption journey! It's been so inspiring and faith building to see first hand that Heavenly Father does love me and hears my prayers.
5. Adoption is so wonderful, it has changed my life in so many ways. The main way is it is the reason Mike and I are parents today to Lilly and I wouldn't want it any other way. It is also the hardest thing I have ever had to experiance in so many aspects. But the trials really did make me a better, stronger person. I learned patience, love, humility, strengthened my testimony and more. I truly believe I am a much better mother to Lilly now then I even would have been at 20.
6. Mike started telling Lilly about her adoption story in the cutest way ever! Lilly constantly asks us to tell her the "Something was Missing" story. We are hoping to someday write a childrens book on domestic adoption and this might be a good start :) Mike of course would illustrate it too :) I am so glad that we are open with Lilly (on a 2 year old level) about her adoption. I never doubt that Lilly wasn't meant for me, and I hope that she will always know that she is my daughter now and forever.

Ok, in keeping with the adoption theme, I will tag 6 friends that I know through adoption:
Christine, Lissa, Carlie, Laura, Megan and Cindy

Labels: adoption

So as promised here are a few Q&A's about adoption that I am asked often. Also feel free to ask me anything about adoption, I have quite a few great resources and also feel pretty well informed too.

Q. Where is Lilly's REAL mom?
A. I am Lilly's Mom. Are you asking about her biological or birthmother? She lives in a different state and we send letters and pictures to her.
I am 100% Lilly's Mother, although I do share the title with another wonderful woman. Lilly's birthmother gave her life and I am the mother in her life. I know I will forever share Lilly with another beautiful daughter of God and I am grateful that I was choosen to become a mother through adoption. I love the quote I have posted on the side bar: "Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, You didn't grow under my heart - but in it." Fleur Conkling Heylinger

Q. - What is an "open" adoption?
A. - There are as many definitions for open adoption as there are individual situations. Usually when a person says they have an "open" adoption it means that the birthmother picked the parents for her child herself instead of the agency doing it for her, and can also mean that the birthmother, child, and parents share information about themselves and have various levels of contact.

Q. - Is your adoption open?
A. Sort of, Lilly's birthmother requested limited contact and so we send her letters and pictures. We would love to be able to share more of her life with her birthmother, but we honor her wishes and write really long letters to her because she told us she loves to read and we just love talking and writing about our lives with Lilly.

Q. - Is it healthy to have an open adoption?
A. I think so, although our adoption isn't fully open. I believe that as long as there are boundaries and love and respect an open adoption can be healthy. After all adoption really should be centered around the child, so if it's safe and loving for the child then it is healthy. It's also helpful to have an open relationship for genectic questions, there have already been a few times with Lilly when I wish I could just ask her birthfamily about genectic predispositions.

Q. - Aren't you worried that her birthfamily is going to try to take Lilly away?
A. - Nope, There are lots of reasons why this is not a concern to us at all
Lilly's Birthmother was soooooooo strong in her decision to place Lilly for adoption. She is a truelly amazing, strong, loving woman who was selfless and gave me the greatest gift of Motherhood.
There are laws that govern adoptions and we followed the laws and did everything accordingly.

Q. - Do you think that Lilly is going to like being adopted?
A - We don't really know yet, but I am sure Lilly will voice her opinion when she is old enough to understand fully. We always tell her things that we know about her birthmother and we also read her childrens books that are centered on adoption. We also show her a picture of her birthmother and tell her who she is and a little bit about her so she can have a face with a name. We also mention Lilly's birthmother in our family and personal prayers every day.

Q. - (From Janelle) Have you ever considered adopting abroad?
A. - Yes, but we feel that right now our next little one will be a domestic adoption. International adoption involves a lot more paperwork and more money. Right now to adopt an infant, non special needs internationally the wait is similar to domestic (around 2-3 years). We've been waiting for a little over a year so far so hopefully within the next year it will be the four of us :)

Q. - (From Marchet) My husband and I are considering adoption. What kind of questions should we ask ourselves to prepare for this kind of step?
A. -

• A big question to ask is how much openess you would like to have with the birthparents, and the extended birthfamily (grandma's, grandpa's, aunts, uncles).
• Also, how much are you willing to extend financially.
• What type of special needs, could your family support. We recently recieved a call from our caseworker for a special needs infant with HIV and extreme drug exposure. Unfortunately, at this time we had to say no. It was a very difficult decision to say no, but Mike and I prayed about it and we decided our family doesn't have the resources to accept a terminally ill baby.
• Another big question is do you have a preference on gender or ethnicity. We do not have a specific race or gender listed on our preferences.
• There are tons of questions to ask yourself and to consider what is the best thing for your existing family. One thing that we did when we were asked about the special needs baby was call our pediatrician. She was wonderful and even called specialists for us and was so supportive. So while you are filling out the paperwork ask questions and use all of your resources.

Labels: adoption

Happy Adoption Month! Since only two people posted comments on my adoption question post you both win! Thank you Janelle Marchet! I will be shipping you some delicious Salt Lake City Salt Water Taffey :)

I will answer your questions soon, so stay tuned. I also prepared a few other common question/answers that I am asked often. For now here is President Bush's proclamation of Natioanl Adoption Month.
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National Adoption Month, 2008 A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

During National Adoption Month, we recognize the compassion of adoptive and foster families as we seek to raise awareness of the need for every child in America to have a safe, loving, and permanent home.
Adopting a child is a great joy and also a great responsibility. Parents are a child's first teachers, and adoptive families can help children learn character and values, the importance of giving back to their community and country, and the courage to realize their potential. On November 15, caring parents across our Nation will celebrate National Adoption Day by finalizing their adoptions and bringing home children in need of a hopeful life.
My Administration is committed to helping young people find the love, stability, and support that a family can provide. We have joined with community and faith-based organizations to raise public awareness of foster children awaiting adoption. With the help of the Congress, we are assisting families in overcoming the financial barriers to adopting children through programs such as the Adoption Incentives Program. In addition, the Collaboration to AdoptUsKids project, which can be found at adoptuskids.org, provides guidance and resources for parents exploring adoption.
During National Adoption Month, we honor adoptive and foster parents who have shown America the depth and kindness of the human heart. Their love and dedication inspire the next generation of Americans to achieve their dreams and demonstrate the true spirit of our Nation.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2008 as National Adoption Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities to honor adoptive families and to participate in efforts to find permanent homes for waiting children.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.
GEORGE W. BUSH

Labels: adoption

I decided to write a little poem about adoption, of course adoption is always on my mind and I always have plenty to say about it, I love it with all my heart!

We have you!

We longed for you to join our family
even before you surprised us all.
We tried with all our might to create an angel
just like you, but God knew that you were
meant to be in our family.

Adoption is a roller coaster ride
but we hopped on knowing you
were worth the ride.
And even though the voyage had
many ups, downs and loops de-loops
the pure joy of holding you was all worth it
when we became your parents.

How difficult it was to embrace the idea of
Becoming parents when we can't control when
and need the help of our friends.
This is why you are a miracle,
God blessed Us with you.

We hoped for a family
We longed for you
We rode the ride
And know we have you!
~Amanda

A couple in our ward just brought home their third baby, all adopted! I am so happy for them, yet it feels bitter sweet. Is it bad to say "I wish that was me holding the new precious baby?" Our family is sooooooo ready for another member and we pray every day to be choosen by a birthmother. My heart is feeling quite heavy lately because I know that someone is missing from our family. Yet, I really don't have any control on when or how. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers and please keep Lilly's birthmother and our future birthparents in your prayers as well. Also, we have lots of pass along cards still so if you need some please comment, or e-mail me and I will gladly send you some.

Labels: adoption

I've been trying to think of fun interesting things to post for the month of November. It is National Adoption Month, so I would like to post a few things during the month about adoption.

I 'm thinking it might be fun to have my blog readers ask me questions about adoption. So if you have any questions please leave a comment and I will try my best to address it during the month of November.

I'll throw in a PRIZE to one of the people who leave me a comment in this post. The deadline for the Prize is November 1st :)

Labels: adoption

Mike is settling into his new major wonderfully and he had a chance the other day to map out his schedule until graduation and it looks like he will be DONE in 2 years! Yay! So Fall of 2010 Mike will be graduating with his BFA and minor in art education. I am so proud that he is going for it and was so blessed to be able to just slide into the program. It confirms to me that this is defiantly the right path for us and we just have to work hard and everything will work out.

Lilly is doing MARVELOUS without her binky. She's only asked for it a few times, and each time she caught herself and reminded herself that she gave it to the cashier. So there's no going back now, although the cashier did sneak them back to me. (they are in my dresser). Last night was an incredibly difficult night (we all have colds) and Lilly was up from 2:00 until 5:00 I was so tempted to just give in, but I didn't and we made it through. Mike was a sweetie this morning and let me sleep in too. Even though he was up every 4 hours taking Benadryl. We had to rush Mike to the ER yesterday. He started a new antibiotic that he had never taken before and had a really bad reaction, his throat started closing off, he was wheezing and hives. Luckily I had him take some Benadryl as soon as he started having symptoms of an allergy and he was ok.

Potty training is starting back up and so far Lilly is doing pretty good with the pee in the potty, but hasn't done the other yet. We are starting the no more diapers rule this week and I am sure it will be full of many accidents, but well worth it. I have figured out that Lilly can't just slowly step by step do something. It's either all or nothing, so we just have to go cold turkey with the diapers just like the binky.

Labels: adoption

August is a pretty cool month for our little family on August 4, 2006 Lilly was granted as legally ours deemed by a judge. After placement of a child to their adoptive family there is a waiting period (yes MORE waiting) it's usually around 6 months. During the waiting period a caseworker comes to your home for a post placement visit to make sure everything is still going well. The adoptive parents have to go to the caseworkers office twice for meetings to make sure things are still good then the caseworker sends in their paperwork to the courts giving their recomendation. You hire a lawyer to do all the legal leg work of amending the childs birth certificate and then you can go to court, meet with a judge and get his stamp of approval.

A lot of adoptive families call this special day "Gottcha' Day" I like the term, and use it with Lilly.

Labels: adoption, Foto Friday

Adoption something that is very special to me. We have grown our family because of adoption, and someday we will be blessed again because of adoption. Whether it is tomorrow or two years from now, it will happen. I try to keep in my heart that it will happen not because I want it to, but because of our hard work, constant prayer and most importantly Heavenly Father's eternal plan for us.

Adoption is on my mind daily. It's constant work, it takes time, focus, money, preparation, prayer, and a ton of Faith! Some days it is easy to move forward, working towards our goals and some days are completely emotional and exhausting. I feel deep in my heart that another little spirit belongs in our family and I can hardly wait to meet them.

A few months ago I posted about how we were blessed with Lilly, incase you missed it here is a link http://mandamike.com/blog/2008/04/my-train-ride-to-lilly_22.html

Labels: adoption